You are NOTHING in THIS WORLD WITHOUT....
AN ASS.
Coming from a person who USED to have THE LARGEST "ba donky donk" on the face of this earth, I can't believe I am saying such a thing. When I HAD an ass, back in the day, I hated every living day of it. You know, people making rude comments, guys grabbing it for no apparent reason out at the bars--it just got SO much attention and I HATED IT. Now, I have the COMPLETE OPPOSITE problem. I have the "SAGGY ASS SYNDROME." I got rid of my voluptuous J-Lo ass, and traded it in for a god awful, old lady, saggy, long and large, lookin' THING. It is terrible. Salem is in swimming lessons right now, as you all know, and I couldn't take another day of wearing my "Tri" one piece; so I went bathing suit shopping today. The "Y" took the winter bubble down around the pool, so I wanted to be able to get a nice tan going on my white ass, albino body. It was a trip to Target that I will NEVER forget. First off, they just don't make bikinis like they used to. A women's LARGE, would fit Salem, I swear. Where in the hell do they come up with sizing these days? I made TWO purchases, only because I couldn't figure out which one looked better over they other---none of them fit right. They are so god damn small, that I think they are made to only fit ONE butt cheek; instead of two. My ass hangs out of them all over the place, and it isn't pretty. Some chicks out there can pull showing some ass off; but not me. Since the day Salem was born, the booty went South on me. I look like an old woman. The nice thing about it is that I feel that I fit in better with the YMCA crowd now. I would say that I am probably THE youngest person that works out there, and the average age is probably 60. I do have to say that I am jealous of a few of the 60 year old women there because they do pull off a bathing suit better than me--BITCHES. THE MOST embarrassing part about it all is that the pool is right in the center of the gym (but outside), so everyone can see you from inside strutting your stuff in a bikini. OH MY GOD. Anyways, I could go on and on about this for ever, but I think I'll go have another glass of wine instead. Here are my purchases from this evening:
Coming from a person who USED to have THE LARGEST "ba donky donk" on the face of this earth, I can't believe I am saying such a thing. When I HAD an ass, back in the day, I hated every living day of it. You know, people making rude comments, guys grabbing it for no apparent reason out at the bars--it just got SO much attention and I HATED IT. Now, I have the COMPLETE OPPOSITE problem. I have the "SAGGY ASS SYNDROME." I got rid of my voluptuous J-Lo ass, and traded it in for a god awful, old lady, saggy, long and large, lookin' THING. It is terrible. Salem is in swimming lessons right now, as you all know, and I couldn't take another day of wearing my "Tri" one piece; so I went bathing suit shopping today. The "Y" took the winter bubble down around the pool, so I wanted to be able to get a nice tan going on my white ass, albino body. It was a trip to Target that I will NEVER forget. First off, they just don't make bikinis like they used to. A women's LARGE, would fit Salem, I swear. Where in the hell do they come up with sizing these days? I made TWO purchases, only because I couldn't figure out which one looked better over they other---none of them fit right. They are so god damn small, that I think they are made to only fit ONE butt cheek; instead of two. My ass hangs out of them all over the place, and it isn't pretty. Some chicks out there can pull showing some ass off; but not me. Since the day Salem was born, the booty went South on me. I look like an old woman. The nice thing about it is that I feel that I fit in better with the YMCA crowd now. I would say that I am probably THE youngest person that works out there, and the average age is probably 60. I do have to say that I am jealous of a few of the 60 year old women there because they do pull off a bathing suit better than me--BITCHES. THE MOST embarrassing part about it all is that the pool is right in the center of the gym (but outside), so everyone can see you from inside strutting your stuff in a bikini. OH MY GOD. Anyways, I could go on and on about this for ever, but I think I'll go have another glass of wine instead. Here are my purchases from this evening:
posted by The Quinn Report @ 9:24 PM
4 Comments:
you crack me up! I haven't had children and wouldn't think about wearing a bikini, so you are doing well, ass or not!!
Oh Noel, if I only had half your problem. You are beautiful!!! Nevertheless, I can see how pregnancy does a toll on your body...I am very afraid of what I'm going to look like after all this (not that before was all that pretty). Love ya!
Hehe...silly, silly, silly. You know when I see you next (Alabama?) I'm totally gonna check out your "ba donky donk" to see what it is your talking about.
On another note...since you mentioned "ba donky donk"....Elliot was proposed to on the last show. :o)
Girl....I have saggy old lady ass too. WTF? How can someone be thin with a flappy ass? I never knew that was possible. My new year's resolution this year was to work on my ass, so I did about five squats and that was it. However, I will no longer be buying bathing suits at Target. I'm not talking skirts just yet...but Target is not happening. Or Old Navy. Your suits are adorable, though, and I'm sure your ass looks way better than mine since you go running and work out. Things I haven't done in 3 years.
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