Shitty Day..Literally.

Brace yourselves. If you don't like to read about fecal issues, read no more. What I'm about to tell you, is like a story that you would only see happen on tv; but no, it REALLY happened to me yesterday. Ready.......?

So, on Sundays, Salem and I drive our happy asses at least 30 minutes to the base gym because the YMCA isn't open on Sundays here.....people go to church, or something like that.
I am pulling into the gym parking lot and I feel this sudden urge to fart(we've all been there, right?). So, I do so, and next thing I know, I realize that I have just shit my pants..literally. No joke, shartted (sp?) in my moe-foe pants. I think to myself, "Oh shit (ha-ha), we have to drive all the freakin' way back home because I just shit myself. " I call my mom as this is happening to me and her reply is: "Noel, you are really to young to be doing that. That usually happens to old people; you're only 24." Even when I'm 80, if I make it to 80, I hope to god that I can still make it to the damn toilet and wipe my own ass for heavens sake.

Get ready. I'm JUST about to the front gate and remember people, this is church time, at Randolph AFB(which is a MASSIVE base), when I get pulled over by the Military Cops to get a random car inspection done. I should have known this was going to happen to me when I made fun of the Mormon family standing outside of their van, in the rain, with their family of 30, when I drove onto base just minutes before.

So, they asked me to get out of the car, which probably stank of ass, open all the doors, hood, trunk, etc., and to get my sleeping baby out. You should have seen me doing the backwards shuffle to avoid these people. I was so afraid that I had a "poopy stain" on my booty, and that the military dog was going to come up and sniff my ass, or bite through my tiny gym shorts to get what was in there. You guys, I should have known it was going to be a day after all of that.

As hard headed as I am, I came home, showered, and drove my clean little self ALL THE WAY BACK TO THE BASE. And that's not the end of it......

After we returned from all of that, I noticed that Salem was running a very high temp. and was having fecal issues herself. I drove her to the ER (40 minute drive), waited 6 hours, didn't get seen, had to drive all the way home because HELLO JACKASSES, I ran out of formula and bottles because I didn't think I was going to be there all damn night. Anyways, came home, got more food for Salem, cleaned her up because she had thrown up all over herself, drove back, waited another 6 hours, finally got seen, and was home by 4 AM this morning. Oh, and all I got out of ALL OF THAT was a bottle of Tylenol; but that's a WHOLE NOTHER STORY.

Hope your weekend wasn't as shitty as mine!!
(I typed it all in pink and brown, to make it at least look a little cute!)